Monday 6 July 2015

Clouds on the horizon

No, not those ones (although I am very glad that last week's temperatures have dropped far enough that I can no longer fry eggs on the kitchen floor). Emotional clouds that, if this were a cartoon, would spell out "SCHOOL" in white fluffy letters. Sigh.

Cupcake goes to nursery three mornings per week. Settling in was wobbly but moderately OK, and she's been very steady there since the autumn. But, uh-oh, here comes school. I was trying to focus on the fact that the school has been unbelievably sensitive and brilliant in their advance planning, so it feels like a good nurturing place. 

And I'm sure it is. But Cupcake has given me a little flash of how hard the change is going to be for her. Her keyworker has been on holiday for two weeks and got back today. The first week she was away, Cupcake had a series of big falls, every single session. She's not the world's most co-ordinated child, but this was unusual and I put it down to hyper-anxiety about her keyworker's absence. The second week she told me she didn't feel well a lot, and said she didn't like nursery any more. She was superficially calm but asked for me often during the sessions, which hasn't happened in a long time.

It all really came out today, I'm guessing in a rush of relief that her keyworker was back today. She didn't want me to go at drop-off (so I didn't until she was OK), and I've just rung to check on her. She has needed lots of cuddles and has been talking a lot to her keyworker about "mummy come back soon?" and "mummy got lost?" As I wrote this down, I realise some of this is quoting directly from one of her books (Bedtime Billy Bear). I know this doesn't mean these aren't real fears for her though, even if they're coming out through someone else's words. Gulp. 

It's down to me to show her I can carry these fears with her, and slowly carry them for her when she'll let me, but I just need a little time on my own now to cry a bit - life should not be this scary or hard when you are three.